It’s been awhile….
Well, where shall I start? I am really bad at updating things of this sort, just sayin’.
Well, one of my best friends brought up a really good point in her last tumblr post.
“It is so truly crazy how so many of our memories are triggered by music and songs, how with the first word or the first chord you are in a trance with thoughts of the past, a certain place or a person from your life. You can’t help but smile, laugh, cry or just feel nostalgic.”
I think that she was absolutely correct in saying that SO many of our memories are triggered by music and songs and it is indeed, crazy. Jessie’s girl will FOREVER remind me of her along with a plethora of other songs such as “Tiny Salmon” and “Mad World” just to name a few.
Just today I had my ipod on shuffle in the car and on my way home from work and I heard “Heartbreak Warfare” by John Mayer. I purchased this cd on my road trip with Terra so now whenever I hear a song off of that cd I INSTANTLY think of Terra and Missouri.
Yesterday on my way home I heard the song “Cat and Mouse” by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and thought of Amanda and being at college. Also any song by Panic! at the disco reminds me of her. SHOTGUN…… WEDDING……. SHOTGUN……. WEDDING….
For whatever reason reading Cathy’s blog struck something in me. The first thing I thought about when I first read it was “WOW, I miss her ridiculous amounts.” When we were younger it was so easy to see each other. We saw each other every couple of months. When summertime rolled around it seemed like we spent weeks on end with each other and never got sick of one another. And as always there comes a time when we need to grow up. As that happened visits became less frequent as we both had responsibilities with work, school, and other things. Money sometimes was also a problem. Catherine and I recently went almost a year without seeing each other. It may not have been quite that long but it was a long time and even though we didn’t see each other or even talk all that often nothing changed the simple fact that she is still one of my best friends. That’s something to hold onto.
I don’t think she realizes what an inspiration she is to me. I love her for always being her crazy self no matter what and for just doing what she does because she wants to, and not because someone else wants her to. I’ve never really told her so she probably doesn’t even realize it, but maybe she will end up reading this.
Well, being a FEW paragraphs into this blog it has turned out to be longer than I expected. I also think that it is very random and all over the place but “meh”, I don’t even care.
Hmmm……..
What’s going on in my life? LOTS, as always.
I applied for a dept manager position yesterday in Hardware and Tools so I have an interview for that on Monday. I am nervous about it. I need a full time position. I am not very optimistic about it either because the last full time position that I applied for I didn’t get, but I can’t get them all…..
Jenny is awesome. I love having her. She is my saving grace most days. Sometimes I wonder what I ever did without her. It is awesome to come home from a long day at work and have her always happy to see me. She makes me smile no matter what kind of day I’ve had. If I am having a bad day at work or if I am sick or something there is a lady at work who always tells me: “Go home and hug Jenny.” Sounds funny but it works. She’s pretty cute!
I have to go in a couple weeks to have more bloodwork. The last that I had done still wasn’t very good. I go back to the Dr’s the end of June so we’ll see what they have to say.
In the past month I have gotten to see Reagan, Kiara, and the rest of the family a couple times. We hadn’t been to Canada in over a year so it was nice. The girls are getting so big. Reagan had a couple dance things that I got to see and she also had her First Communion. While I was watching her dance I got choked up. She is turning into an amazing young lady. Growing up a little too fast for my liking though.
For the summer it doesn’t seem like I have all that much planned. I am sure it will be busy nonetheless. I have a Dave Matthews concert to go to the first weekend in June in Saratoga with Terra, Travis, Matthew, John, and Russ. Hopefully I will run into Jake and his friends while I am there.
John Mayer concert in Aug. with Terra. She doesn’t know that yet.
At the end of June Terra turns 30! There will be huge festivities for that.
In September I have a Sugarland concert to go to with my mom.
In September Terra and I are taking a mini vacation somewhere. She doesn’t know about that either……
Other than that I will just be working this summer. I know that Ross and I will be busy kayaking and fishing once the weather gets nicer but other than that I don’t really have much planned.
Well I think this is long enough. I need to get to bed. 415 am comes around WAY too early. I am on an eight day stretch at work. It is say four of eight tomo. So far so good.
Hopefully in the future I will be better about updating this, but don’t hold your breath…..
pisssssssed
I had a whole long blog written out ALMOST ready to post. I hit some button and it was GONE! Well maybe later I will do a rewrite but I don’t have the patience for it now.
VANCOUVER OLYMPICS 2010!!!! WOOT WOOT!
Much Like Falling-Flyleaf
When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up
He pointed out how selfish
It would be to kill myself
So I keep waking up
It feels so much like falling
Dying while I wait to die
The fear of something or nothing
Lonely empty lie
I don’t want to be here, lying
I don’t want to be selfish anymore
I want so much to change
Learning your love everyday
There’s still so much to know
You grip my wrists
I let go
It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here
Soooo……
Well it has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. I have started many times but haven’t actually finished a post. Its probably because I don’t really know what to write. Here is a summation of my last couple weeks…..
First off my Aunt had her baby!! Yay! She is so cute. She weighed almost ten pounds. A little chunker! They named her Hannah Patricia! I am going to Rochester to see everyone on Friday!
I went out on a date a week ago Sunday. It was really good. It was with Bradley. It was the first time that we had actually been out on a legitimate real date. He took be to dinner at Applebees. We talked about a lot of our issues that we’ve had and we spent a good portion of the night laughing. He started off the night by apologizing to me for the way he has treated me for the past two years and that he is trying to change. He told me that he wants to be a part of my life and I told him that he needs to prove that to me. Unfortunately I have heats that one too many times and nothing has changed. So he told me he wanted me to help him and I told him that I would do what I could. After all of that he told me that he wanted to have a baby. I didn’t really know how to respond to that but I told him that he really needs to change his ways and prove to me that he actually wants to be with me because he loves me not because he wants to have a baby. He has been better about calling and staying in touch. He was supposed to come over Sat but he never showed. I talked to him last night and he apologized again but I don’t know. I am pretty sure that he is a waste of time as much as it hurts to let him go. I love him. I always have and I always will. End of story.
Yesterday Terra came to visit. That was a good time. We partook in some daytime drinking and by the time we stopped we had both drank fourteen beers. Things with Terra and I have been sort of rocky ever since she threw me a surprise birthday party and I ended up sleeping with one of her friends. It has taken a long time for us to get back to where we are now. Things are still not 100% but it is getting there. Last night was proof of that. Last night we talked about what happened six months ago and we made a lot of progress. I am so glad. The subject of Terra’s drinking also came up and just as we were getting into that our fav depressing David Gray song came on and I lost it. She told me to stop crying and I couldn’t. She asked me why I was crying and I couldn’t answer her. She asked me if she scared me. I said yes. I told her that I wanted her to be around when we were 70. I need her around. It was a very emotional time since her uncle just died because of his alcoholism.
Anyways, Ross is here to take me to the movies. If I get home early enough I will write more.
Puppy 2
I’m going to look at a pup tomo. More than likely I will be bringing it home with me. YAY!
Puppy!
So I talked to my parents and they said that I could get a puppy!!! I am excited. I am getting a weiner dog! Now I just need to find one close by and in my price range!! Woot Woot!
1/14/2010 depression and other randomness
Well I finally got out of the Dr’s office yesterday a little bit before 2. I was there for almost SIX hours!! By the time I got out of there I was completely drained. They took so much blood!! ….And now I wait……………..it is going to be a long week or two.
When I got home last night I was so sore and tired that I just went to bed. I had to be up at 4:30 this morning for work so that was no fun. Work sucked today. It was my first day back after nine days off. I wasn’t my normal self today by far. I felt like I was somewhere else. These days I just don’t know what to think of anything. More than one person asked me if I was okay and I just had to smile and say “I’m Fine”. Most everyone believed me but there were a few people who knew better but they let that answer slide for now which I am thankful for.
I haven’t felt good today. I feel exhausted. I have a headache. So, after work today I just came home and went to bed and that is where I have been ever since. Tomorrow I have to work 7-4 tomorrow but I am off Saturday so I need to find something to do to get my mind off of everything. I don’t know what that will be since most of my friends live far away and are busy doing other things. I should really spend some time with Ross since I haven’t seen him in almost two weeks. I miss him.
I think that I am going to have to move back home because I have way too many bills to catch up on and it is getting really hard to find the money to pay someone rent every month when I could be living at home for free. Lately it seems as though I have been spending most of my time at home anyways, mostly because Ross and I work completely opposite schedules and I am always there by myself anyways.
I really want to get a puppy. I think that it would make me feel better. I want something that chooses me over anything else. I want something to need me. I want something to take care of. Who knows. My parents might be okay with that. They know how unhappy I’ve been. I’ve actually talked to them about it which was a huge step for me.
Right before Thanksgiving I had a big breakdown. I was so stressed out in every aspect of my life. I talked to my parents and I told them that I am so very depressed all of the time and I hate the person that I am becoming. I told them that I would like to start going to counseling so that I have a neutral party to talk to. No, I am not crazy. If I were crazy I wouldn’t think there was anything wrong. I haven’t started going yet but I think I should soon especially with everything else going on. I ended up taking a leave of absence from school and I have got nothing but support from people on this and let me tell you I haven’t felt better about any decision I’ve ever made. I need a break before I break.
Well I suppose I should get going to bed. I think this post is probably depressing enough. I hope there are happy ones to come in the near future but for right now this is my life…..
last post continued…..
1:04 pm Had my Sixth Blood Draw about a half hour ago so that means only about another half hour or so until I can leave and go get some food and then a nap! Sixth Blood Draw went smoothly. Only had to get poked once. That was a treat! After this I am going to get food with Wendy Rogers! That should be fun. I haven’t seen her in awhile.
1:13 pm getting off of here for now. Last blood draw soon. Should go as planned. Nothing good to write.
Until next time……
Well this will probably be a good thing for me to do considering everything that is going on right now….
“If I get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me threatning the life it belongs to.” <=== That quote summarizes my reason for starting this blog.
1/13/2010
6:15 am Wake up. Still extremely tired. Didn’t sleep very well last night. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good nights sleep.
6:30 am Finally dragging myself out of bed.
7:50 am Heading to the Dr’s. It’s going to be a long day.
8:20 am Get to the Dr. They proceed to tell me that not only will they be taking massive amounts of blood today for the next 5 hrs but that I also need to drink some shitty mix of stuff. Joy, Joy!
8:30 am First Blood Draw. Not too bad. I actually didn’t even feel it! Blood actually came out! My veins didn’t collapse. So far, so good!
8:32 am Have to chug the drink. It’s red, fruit punch flavored, well I guess its as close to fruit punch flavored as medicine can get. I’ve tasted worse but it wasn’t too bad. It makes me feel like throwing up. Great!
9:00 am Second Blood Draw. Not too horrible. Blood actually came out again. Vein didn’t collapse this time either. Now I will go sit around for another half hr until it’s time to draw again. I am starting to feel like I am a part of the Cullen family which wouldn’t be a bad thing as long as I got to be with Edward. ;)
9:30 am Third Blood Draw. I’m sick of this already.
10:30 am Fourth Blood Draw. Veins are starting to collapse. 2 for 1 this time around. It took two pokes to get anything. Lucky Me! I hate my life right now.
11:30 am Fifth Blood Draw. And God hates me. And so does the lady drawing my blood. It won’t come out and my veins are collapsing all over the place. I look like a drug addict and I still have two draws to go. This draw was another two for one deal, except in situations like this I don’t want a two for one, or a BOGO or anything like that. One poke for blood each time would be nice, but that is too easy especially for my life.
11:54 am Just sitting here. Doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Most of it hasn’t been good. Most of the time I don’t know what to think or how to feel. That is probably why I started this. I can’t even type very well right now. My hands are shaking and everything I start to write I just end up hitting ‘backspace’. Probably because I don’t know what to write. I do know that my arms hurt. I am hungry. I want to get out of here and I want all of this to be over. As a little kid I was always paranoid about getting a brain tumor. I had a lot of headaches, got the CT scans, the whole bit. I grew out of that phase and never thought that it would be back staring me in the face. Well, that is where I am. I’ll just admit it because maybe it will be easier to accept. There is a very good possibility that I have a brain tumor. Well, there, I said it and its out! I don’t know if it makes me feel better but only time will tell. ”Don’t tell me if I’m dyin’ ‘cause I don’t wanna know…” -Thriving Ivory
12:08 pm Well only 20 mins or so til my next blood draw. I am so excited I can’t stand it. What I am really excited for is getting the EF out of here and going to get something to eat!
12:16 pm Blank. Nothing to say. Just nervous. I will post this one for now and start a new one in a bit. I think this is long enough for my first post.
